Thursday, November 7, 2013

Duck, Duck, Duck.... Goose! (or Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.... Oops!)

Once upon a time in my early 30s, my body was invisibly snatched by raging female hormones on a baby mission. It was eerily parallel to Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, complete with a marriage to a repressed homosexual (since flushed, though still requiring a vigorous plunger every week or two). Before I knew it, the only thing louder than the ticking of my biological clock was the buzzing of my loyal vibrator.

Thankfully, my sexless nuptials committed suicide shortly after my uterus started crawling out of my body and whispering into my sleeping ears that it wanted to manufacture yet another human sequel. So I was promptly ejected back into the dating pool in search of a new mate, only to discover it was a shallow sludge heap of questionable genetics. Natural selection, you are sorely missed. What a shame that survival of a species has so little to do with intelligence, hygiene, and manners. Look at cockroaches.

In this fast paced day and age, there are many ways to find a partner - speed dating, cultural events, social mixers, political protests, study groups, craigslist missed connections, playgrounds (single parents seeking DILFs/MILFs, tap that!), bars, churches, prisons, alleyways, etc. None are without both benefits and perils. When it comes to online dating, here are my observations for the naively inexperienced:


1. No need to waste your drinks giving douchebags facials.
2. No need to get dolled up to meet someone who didn't deserve your effort.
3. No physical limitations to finding The One, for while he may be thousands of miles away in a remote African village, he is but a quick message away! If he's even real, ha ha ha! Sigh.
4. "Block," "Ignore," and "Delete." Why oh why can't we have this in real life, too?!
5. For you grammar/spelling lovers, now you can easily eliminate 95% of the eager peckers out they're vying four you're attention...
6. May finally awaken long-awaited lesbian tendencies.


1. The realization that there's a reason why they are still single.
2. Losing all hope for humanity.

I opened up an OK Cupid account with the best intentions of finding a suitable suitor to fill my voids... but my profile quickly devolved into a lengthy diatribe of dating experiences worthy of either America's Funniest Home Videos or American Horror Story. I wrote endlessly about my encounters, hoping potential candidates would think twice before alerting me of their unworthiness. I tried to teach clueless eager males some valuable tips on how to woo the sea of single pussy out there, but it was in vain. Ladies - do yourselves and all of us a favor and don't settle for anything except your own personal Indiana Jones. And please, for the love of the human race, don't breed with anything less worthy! Recessive members of our species need to die out already!

For the sake of dissemination (pun unintentionally a propos), I shall blog a separate entry with excerpts from my OK Cupid profile.

As it turns out, my online dating rants didn't scare away all sausage. One particularly persistent penis did properly penetrate my protective prose. On our first date, even... multiple times! He turned this bitter old maid into a skimpy french maid. He swept me off my feet and got me on all fours. We went from single, to double entendre... Together, we left our balls and chains with the ex-spouses, and opted for more liberating flogs and rope. For those of you who can't swallow my innuendo, allow me to whip it out so you can take it in better. The 70s didn't have as much shag as us. We put bunnies to shame. We made Viagra jealous. In our world, "spork" became a verb to describe mutual spooning and forking.

Don't get it yet? We had sex! Lots and lots of it. Copious amounts. Oodles. Googles. You'd need goggles to ogle unscathed... Ok, I'll stop. You get the picture.

But I must give my hunny more credit than just our physical connection. We became instant friends right from the start. He saved my life the first time just days after we met. He even courted me with a bouquet of bacon. Without him, I would bitterly despise this song. We are like high school sweethearts but in our thirties... Smitten like adolescents but having way better sex, with the stamina of youth and the desperate frequency of ones approaching mid-life.

And suddenly... we're pregnant! Like stupid, horny teenagers but with the adult ability to self-facepalm. I'd like to say it was a pleasant surprise, but it was more of a "d'oh!" moment, followed by a lengthy "no, d'uuuuh." Followed by "hey, we don't have to worry about getting pregnant anymore!" Followed by clothes being ripped off, spanks being doled out, neighbors rolling their eyes and turning up their TV volumes, and so on.

Granted, this whole impending baby business threw us both for a loop. We were still getting to know each other three months into our relationship when this third wheel showed up. Like many people out there, we faced tough choices. Having had my previous child with what turned out to be an abusive, passive aggressive sociopath who is forever chained to me by our progeny, naturally I had some concerns. How could I be trusted to make the right decision? My past was cluttered with jaw-droppingly shitty taste in men, my happy ovaries were blasting hormonal fireworks through my body, and I was in the horny throes of falling in love. Not a trace of sanity or logic was to be found!

Possessed with doubt, HCG, and a humanoid parasite, I took a step back and examined the situation. I had two abortions under my belt, one which I never regretted, and one which I did. I also raised a wonderful little boy despite his father's toxic genes and influence. I survived an excruciating miscarriage, which was a blessing in disguise I am still thankful for every day. Basically, there wasn't a single reproductive dilemma I hadn't faced. And here I was again, poised to potentially eject another personal sequel into the planet. The only difference was that the man I was with was unlike all others. Thoughtful. Selfless. Loving. Respectful. Talented. Well-hung. Yes, these unicorns are out there! Whatever challenges lay in the future, here was someone who I knew I could face them with. A man who still saw beauty in my ugliest moments, who could read me so well I couldn't even hide from myself. A man who challenged me, taught me, and learned from me. Whose naturally persistent erection never once wavered in the presence of my constantly changing body. A man who made me proud and grateful. A man who made me coffee, even before making his own coffee. And if that last one isn't a blowjob-earner, I don't know what is!

So we chose to have this little consequence of our kinky appetites. The first few months were a bumpy road, and not just from all the humping - we moved out of our single lives and moved in together. We blended our families, consolidated all our stuff, and prepared for the baby by having as much nookie as possible before childbirth. We figured if the fetus could survive mommy and daddy's vigorous recreational activities during gestation, it earned some serious tenure on the outside world upon eviction.

Finally, the day arrived to welcome the fruit of our sexual side-effects, just one day shy of our first anniversary! Labor was completely natural, with zero pain meds, and no tearing or complications. I must have thanked the baby for not destroying my vagina at least ten times in those first few hours. And of course, I thanked my beloved as well, for his very active role in keeping my girl bits elastic! Little did we know that fateful day when we first met, that exactly one year later we would be celebrating by giving our son his name. How some things change!

Of course, now we're back to the initial dilemma of thwarting pregnancy again. Hopefully, better birth control and a coitus-interrupting screaming baby will improve our odds? Some things never change!


  1. Beautiful, my love. I love your writing!

    1. thank you, sweetie! i hope i didn't make you feel too much like a piece of meat...

  2. Damn. I lost my post. It was good. Recapture as much as I can. I love this. I remember chastising you before as someone who would never get to experience it. I just love you, and your socks and bacon.

    1. thank you, sweetheart!! much love to you too! <3