Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Tips on Gittin Sum 101 - this one's for you, boys!

Let me preface this by readily admitting that I am not a dating professional - you couldn't pay me enough! Well... actually... I may be open to the right generous offer, or financially-backed marriage proposal... But anyway, I have suffered through the online dating world enough times to have learned lessons so excruciating that the only way for me to heal is to share them with y'all. It began primarily as me self-reporting on my OK Cupid profile, for potential boytoys to ponder. I've gotten fan mail from many gentlemen who appreciate my candor and applaud my standards, and the occasional hate message from those that can only get it up by putting me down.

Below I am cutting&pasting&editing excerpts from my gargantuan OK Cupid profile, specifically the "You should message me if..." section - which can be directly translated into "How to have a chance to get into my pants." The online dating world is full of strange creatures that defy evolution. For the sake of the future of our species, we must propagate the wisdom of our experiences! May the edification ensue!


You should message me if...

February 2012: If your profile has anything along the lines of "I don't really know how to describe myself, I guess I'm pretty cool" don't ever expect a response from me. If you can't write or think, I can't even waste my time giving you my condolences.

April 2012: Actually, just message me if you are between 90-110 years old and are really, really rich.

May 2012: Gentlemen - I expanded my "looking for" to 99 years of age (OKC doesn't go to 110, sorry older boys! I try!). Please understand that the older you are, the more I expect to be impressed by you. You've been around longer and have had more life experience (if you took advantage of it, I would hope). You should already know that is your advantage over the younger peckers on this website. Otherwise, you've just explained to me exactly why you are on this website at your age.

June 2012: 
Dudes, if I get a message from you insisting 
I'm doing myself a huge favor by replying to you... 
believe me, I'll be doing YOU a huge favor 
by NOT replying to you.

July 2012: 
Hmmm, after seeing my ex's online dating profile,  it dawns on me just how many lies people will say to snare a snatch. Any man worth his salty goodness ought to know he had better prove himself beyond the masses of bullshit out there. 

Got a problem with the fact that I think most of you are full of it? 
Great! Click Ctrl-Command-W now!

For the sake of all, boys... basic pointers when it comes to women:

1. You do NOT tell the chick you are dating to lie to her mother when you did something that you wouldn't want her mother to know about. If you did something you don't want her mother to know about, DON'T FUCKING DO IT. If you DO, have the fucking decency to own up to your fuckup and make up for it accordingly, like the worthy gentleman you could be. And please, DO be ashamed of yourself - it lets us know you are actually learning something.

2. You do NOT take a fucking SHIT in the girl's apartment without first saying hello to her, how are you, etc, and politely asking permission. Yes, I know people have needs. Including being treated with respect in one's own home. Greet first, shit later. Simple, right? You'd think. But the obvious has escaped many. Guys, don't get dumped for taking a dump, OK?

<<Nov 2013: Yes, this really happened to me. All my friends know him as "Shit Guy." Ever since I posted this on my dating profile, I have had at least 3 other boytoys develop psychological problems trying to use my bathroom.>>

3. If your date tells you she did not like something you did, the correct answer is NOT "I didn't do anything!" If you are alive, talking to her, and have interacted, yes, you actually have done something. Pretending you didn't exist in a moment of conflict is get-the-fuck-out-worthy, chickenshit (read about gaslighting). The correct answer is NOT "This isn't my problem!" Unless you mean "Trying to get in your pants isn't my problem!" The correct answer is NOT "You are projecting your issues with your exes on me!" Unless you want to be the next ex I have issues with.

No, no, noooo.... The correct answer IS "I'm sorry I did XYZ, I didn't mean to create this conflict between us. It is more important for me to figure out what happened than it is for me to be right." I don't care if what upset her was that you wore the wrong color pink shirt, or you burped in front of her folks, or you called her by your ex's name. Unlike you peckers, we women don't find it better to be right. We can be wrong as much as anyone. But our self-esteem is not wrapped up in the need to be dominant, and we don't want victory as much as we want a partnership. We would rather open our legs to someone with an open mind and open heart. No matter how ridiculous or petty it may seem to you, YOU NEED TO TAKE US SERIOUSLY. If you don't, you invalidate our feelings, you make us LESS THAN YOU. If our feelings are LESS important than your need to be right, you can jolly well go fuck yourself, coz no one else is going to do it for you.

Personal disclaimer: 
I have a ZERO tolerance policy for anyone who invalidates my feelings and/or takes no responsibility during conflict. That first offense IS the LAST. You are not treating me like an equal, which stems from a deep foundation of disrespect that was there long before me, and I have no interest in dealing with (anymore). "Sorry" after the fact DOESN'T CUT IT. "Sorry" is just the bullshit band aid to repeat offenses. I do NOT buy "sorry" without actions to back it up.

FYI: Just because I forgive you once, does not mean I will do it again. I learn from my mistakes, especially when others don't.

<<November 2013: invalidation is up there with gaslighting and narcissistic personality disorder (psychologically abusive behavior displayed by ALL sociopaths and psychopaths). If you are unfamiliar, please read this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And if you didn't have the time or interest to read any of the aforementioned, that pretty much tells us you fall into any/all those categories.>>

August PSA: Do you keep company with people who think it's funny to demean others? Do you laugh when your friends disrespect women? Does circle jerking or being obnoxious earn you points with your pals? Is your favorite sport to play with buddies the "fuck this fucking shit I only fucking know how to say fuck, Jesus Fucking Christ as loud as possible since I can't find my tiny little dick" game? In other words, are your friends assholes? Well guess what - that makes YOU an asshole too!

August Hate Mail Bag: 
I can only assume that the hate mail I'm getting from guys who call ME a man hater, tell me I drive men to suicide (Several of you, really? Give your gender a little credit! They won't self-destruct in my presence), accuse me of being high maintenance (high standards are NOT high maintenance), and having a cold dead heart (among other anatomical judgments), really stems from the fact that I threaten the whole recessive lot of them.

It continues to blow my mind that those idiots, being idiots after all, don't get off my page and stop reading when they hit the first part of my profile that offends them. I have multiple warnings on here for the incorrigibly stupid, and yet somehow they manage to out-stupid even that and keep reading anyway! And then I get a whiny little message about how it's MY fault that I made their fragile male ego all limp!? How they are gargling on their nuts because i made their testicles ascend suddenly? It just makes me want to keep writing this wonderfully witty shit! Keep reading yourselves right out of the dating/breeding pool... My trap is working!!! 

Plenty of Fish Intermission
(some of the juiciest blurbs guys use to make a woman want to click on their profiles)

"Wow Me Ladies!" 
(From a "something extra" guy with more hair than face)

"rocks are fearless........ ya and they sink!" 
(Another "something extra" dude. Is he the rock? Does he need a life vest? Is the diet not working out?... I... I don't get it)

"Looking for someone like me" 
(Only narcissists need apply)

"Looking for a giver not a taker!" 
(Because I'm a taker, not a giver!)

"Currently accepting applications :D" 
(Sounds like a thankless job already)

"You'll probably think I'm pretty awesome." 
(Well, I'm sold!)
"looking for somone great someone who will cuddle and be cudled someone who will love me for me and not screw me over. Ive been screwed over for the last time i just wana be happy and make that special someone happy as well." 
(OK dude, I actually get where you're coming from. Nobody wants to get screwed over. Points for putting it out there, bro!)

"nothing to say....." 

"Pretty f'n cool...and modest too!" 
(And prone to unintended irony!)

"A chance at love comes with a chance at pain." 
(50 Shades of Grey much?)

"I have the right bait and my line is in the water." 
(I have to wonder how the sea of fish taco is working out with that "line")

End of Intermission

One of my memorable OKC encounters...

Me: So hey, I showed my girlfriends your picture and they told me you messaged them too.

Him: Oh really? Was it Melissa?

Me: No.

Him: Oh wait... Julie? or Katie? Oh I know, it was Anna! Was it Anna?

Me: No...

Him: Sarah...? Alison....?

Me: No...

Him: Heather....? Lily...?

Me: No... *yawn*

What's wrong with this picture?

Speaking of pictures... Boys, I know I am not the only one you send those naked photos of your dicks and/or asses to, either. I'm not sure what's more amusing, the sunlight in your window when you "spontaneously" text a pic at 1am, or the fact that every surface in your house has been in direct contact with your teabags. How do you find the time....? Hmm, I wonder.

Pointers on how to show her you are a Desperate Douchebag -

1. Send shallow, punctuation-free messages where your first impression to her is that you find a part of her body interesting enough to make the ginormous effort of writing half a sentence. If you really want to stand out, send another message or two after you realize she doesn't respond. But this time, guilt trip her because she didn't respond to you at first.

2. If you are lucky enough to get a response from her, kiss her ass indefinitely until you feel completely entitled to ask her to do favors for you. You know.... saying things along the lines of "Hey, girl, I messaged you telling you that you're cute, so like give me your number, or send me naked photos of you because I'm so nice to you." Bonus jerk points to those who tell her she owes you!

3. By all means, blame her for the fact that you never get responses from women! It's not you, it's us.

4. Live with your parents. Hey - I know times are tough and situations are different. But if you are being taken care of by someone other than you, all you are looking for in a dating website is the exact same thing, only with fucky-fucky privileges.

5. If you score yourself a first date, be extra Smoove and make sure SHE has to give you a ride home. Put her in that awkward position of having to choose between being a decent human being to someone who isn't, or having to protect herself from the thoughtless bullshit by saying no. And of course, if she does err (and I do mean err) on the side of niceness, do invite her upstairs and joke about how that could be a rape scenario. It's so classy. Very sensitive and considerate. Who wouldn't want to have sex with you?

6. Don't take No for an answer. Make it very clear that it doesn't matter what she says, whether it is over message or in person. It is really useful to know when guys have no problems violating our requests.

7. Tell us what you think we want to hear, instead of the truth. We are women, therefore we will inevitably wither and die a horrible death at the first sign of an honest rejection. It makes you so manly to string us along and pretend you are being nice with "I like you" and "we'll get together soon," even though all you are doing is covering your woefully inadequate cojones by not saying "hey, maybe this is not a right match, but no regrets, you're cool" or whatever. Lack of balls is a great thing for us to know! FYI, I dumped a guy I had a purely sexual relationship with when he pulled the "I like your personality" shit, because he thought that was what I wanted to hear after shagging (I know I'm cool, but when there's no chemistry, there's no denying it). Sorry, but I found a dick to sit on that doesn't insult my intelligence in the process.

8. Tell us how much you want to go down on us. Especially before we've ever met. This one really blows my.... mind. Now, I do believe some of you really truly love to carpet munch selflessly for days on end. But if I had a nickel for every time I get propositioned from guys I don't know, I'd blow my wad in a sex toy store and have enough for a throbbing tip. Certainly, it doesn't occur to us ladies that your obsession with giving us oral might actually stem from the idea that you are just desperate to receive it. It's really touching too, how discriminating and charitable you must be, to offer cunnilingus to women you've never met. I'm particularly tickled at the two guys who offered to provide references from previously satisfied vagina owners in a valiant attempt to convince me. That's just not awkward at all! It makes me really want to call them and ask them utterly bizarre things - come on, guys, this is ME you are writing to. Fire up a couple of neurons and make an intelligent guess as to what I would ask them, hmmm? Here's a hint - don't expect past pussy to return to you for seconds after they talk to me!!

9. I can only assume that if you expect her to pay for her drink after you invited her, you will also expect her to pay for the condoms she is not going to buy for you.

10. Last but not least... pretend that what you do to one girl won't get around to the rest of us. Women have a hive mind. To be clear, we talk about everything. Every. Thing. Everything from your personality, to your smell, to your social standing, to the veins on your cock and how you manipulate said member. I may be spoken for, but I'm very well known for being quality control for my girlfriends' potential suitors - indeed the men are often warned about that. There is nothing I won't ask them or you, and I'm watching every single thing you do. Not just say, but do - body language tells me a lot more about you than your mouth. And I like staring indefinitely at you, it let's me know whether you are hiding something or not. You know how I say "don't piss me off"? Yeah well, don't piss THEM off either. I get waaaay too many jollies posting on this blog. plus, I'm looking out for all my girls. Rawr. I mean that.

October 2012
Here's an article for the evolved man who wants to find a good partner (or for the stupid man that has zero grasp on the notion that women are people, and who needs a penis-clad person to point out the basic aspects of human decency)