Apology to Gay Marriage Haters

We are so sorry the Supreme Court gay marriage ruling has rained on your straight parade. We pity that you are powerless to stop the rainbow that follows, too. 

We are sad alongside you - it's a tragic day in America when civil rights are declared on a population that has endured decades of hate crimes, discrimination, murder... and people like you - who have never fought for your rights - still don’t want to accept them as equal to you. 

Even though you straight folks gave birth to the whole gay lot of them. Mom, Dad... that's a shame, indeed. We will do better.

We mourn with your religious faith, for how weak it must be that the actions of genitals that aren’t exactly penis + vagina threaten its very existence (unless they come from the clergy).

We also deeply regret that you're so insecure you think that if everyone is your equal, somehow you get your rights taken away. Freedom is literally the opposite of oppression. Civil rights are not a finite resource, they are the basis of human dignity. Nobody gets hurt by them, they are there to protect all civilians. The issue isn't that you're scared of losing your freedom. You're afraid of getting treated like a minority. We hear you, it sucks! We don't want that for anyone, not even you.

We feel very bad that your mind is too closed to understand that what consenting people do with their genitals has no bearing on your Christian values, and your Christian values have NOTHING to do with anyone’s genitals. Just like your religion doesn’t dictate my politics, and my politics doesn’t dictate your religion (let’s not keep imitating the Middle East we love to disapprove of, now). You do your thing and your people, we will do ours. Nobody’s freedom is at stake unless you start talking about constitutional bans.

We are so sorry that gay sex is such a huge issue in the US, but that’s only because straight narrow-minded people like you won’t shut up about it! Exactly who is the pervert here? Gay people don’t make political platforms about straight people and why their sex lives deserve less civil rights. They are TOO BUSY FUCKING WITH WILD ABANDON, something you obviously know nothing about (birth control is a hetero phenomenon)! Apparently the “gay agenda” has hijacked your ability to focus on your own agenda. We’re very sorry your agenda isn’t more titillating, but that is literally not our fucking problem either.  Nobody's sex life but YOURS is your business. 

Can you imagine if suddenly we pushed for a “constitutional ban on straight marriage”? Why not? We're already telling women when they can and can't have babies, birth control, and sex. Straight marriage is part of that equation. It encourages procreative sex that leads to overpopulation, and with limited resources taxpayers should have the right to dictate when a new citizen is allowed to be born and supported by the country, right? WRONG. Nobody has the right to punish you or your family for what you do with your body, whether you are born a certain way or you choose to be a certain way. Stop trying to make a religious or political platform on how people different than you love and live. We’re all on the same planet, but only HATERS have a problem with that.

We’re sorry to inform you that the media is largely LGBT-loving, and not going to stop influencing all the children that come out of your misguided loins. Thankfully, technology and social networking will always be ready to embrace them for who they are when you choose not to.

 
We are also more than sorry that we have to listen to you whine and complain about how you want things back the way they were. Because in America we don’t face change and progress with grace and dignity. We meet it headfirst with ignorance and heckling! We're #1!

Perhaps it’s worth reminding you one of the last times you got your panties in a bunch this big was over women's rights. The idea that chicks could own property instead of be property was once as socially unthinkable as two men or two women being in love. The patriarchy insisted that vaginas being allowed to vote and get an education would bring on the dark ages of civilization - but it didn't. 
 
And remember when y’all were going on and on about the US being ruined if people with dark skin got civil rights and could marry whites? Cracker, please – without black people you’d have no sports and you’d be square dancing for fun. The US is still a dynamic first world country of vagina-clad and non-white tax payers and soldiers with the same equal rights as you. No demographics lost any freedom (despite ongoing Christian right wing efforts against women, immigrants, Muslims, blacks, gays, poor, etc).  Sorry to break it to you but gay marriage isn’t going to rock your privileged world of entitled choices either!  

It is just too bad that you’re freaking out about gay sex and gay marriage, and you find it more fabulous than your own pelvic junk. But you are wasting nobody’s time but your own. Gay marriage – ie: MARRIAGE – is not going anywhere.  Good luck convincing future generations of social networking sex-havers to see your oppressive “constitutional ban” on people’s love lives and families as “protecting freedom” for anyone. You'd think this logic is a no-brainer, but apparently the right wing is too sexually aroused on this issue to have any blood flow to the brain. 

That’s OK. We forgive you. We know your small minded opinion is just the cacophonous swan song of your curmudgeonly generation kicking and screaming into extinction. Civil rights in first world countries move forward, not backward. Whether you like it or not, all kinds of people can and will get married, shag, have and adopt babies, vote, run for president, and more. If you choose to waste your life fighting progress, love, and unity, we really feel very sorry for you.